Saturday, September 19, 2009

On the knees of your soul

This started out as a simple postulation of the extraordinary work TNT does. Acknowledgment of the impact it has had on me and the gratitude I have for their efforts. This , of course, precipitated an examination of choice. Diagnosis has compelled me to reevaluate my predisposition on that. Considering, ironically, that when seemingly given no choice, you have a lot of choices to make

By default, I would have been reluctant to participate in much of anything, if it didn't benefit me in some way. Of course, it's a choice to do so otherwise. A choice not often contemplated, if considered at all, really. Illness has tempered my narcissism rather abruptly though with diagnosis of cancer: AML. Conceit has been replaced with humility and chemotherapy has refocused clarity from narrow-mindedness and obfuscation. Still, transformation does not come without equivocation and doubt. After all, I didn't ask for this, and "what did I do to deserve... " I can lament ad nauseum about that , to my disadvantage, I think.

Yet I'm learning to embrace the fact that I have many choices; uniquely mine, refined by uncertainty and certain to be difficult. Nevertheless, they are the choices I must confront to secure my salvation.
Some choices alternatively require responsibility and sacrifice; seemingly left without a choice; "do I really have a choice?" It resonates more like an excuse really, maligned by default; demonstrating little imagination or introspection.

I concede that some choices are predicated on individual coping capabilities; practical and automatic, effectively postponing alternative choices or deferring them completely to someone else who always makes those decisions. Under the circumstances, for many, it's easy to do. I won't presume to know the stoic nature of some and the deference of others.

And, of course, there are many of whom are imbued with a faith that wouldn't presume to question their circumstance, rapt with the conviction that; "Thy will be done". Alternatively, isn't "Faith in a holy cause to a considerable extent a substitute for the lost faith in ourselves". I embrace the revelation of faith in myself, reintroduced to me by conscription , in the spirit of immediacy and purpose in that which is attainable, in spite of the overwhelming circumstances I find myself. Hopefulness should not be a strategy employed by submission, rather, shouting in defiance; I will not lay prostrate to anguish and despair! My dignity is not so easily discarded. Ugh! or is it so tenuous? Mine has certainly been tested, but not relinquished, as of yet.

Although distorted and unrecognizable, my identity is still intact, after all. I still feel it. I know it's there. The confusion of apprehension I might have had, disappears with the contented exhale of resolve and Saul Bellows is in my head to remind me that "when your on the knees of your soul, might as well make yourself useful; scrub the floor!"* A constructive affirmation to apostasy for which we must calibrate a new barometer. Create another standard ;the evolution of cancer is absent any rules, only a myriad of choices.

In the last 9 months, I have exalted the demonstrations of sacrifice made to further a greater good, undaunted by the responsibility to accept that there are more important things to be done. Loftier endeavors to be aspired to. Not persued blindly, rather , arrived at by choice.

Those who are not compelled by the necessity of choice but choose anyway, in spite of adversity, to participate, if only to inspire those of us who waiver in the illusion of improvement. For just a moment requiring nothing more than encouragement or, perhaps comfort acknowledging that this is real. Reassurance that, I too can survive.

It confirms the selfless choices that so many make that reinforce faith. Faith in that which is far greater than all of us. Choices that consign us to an effort that is neither convenient or comfortable, but essential, in fact imperative.

With that understanding , my objective is clearer. That with definition of purpose and single-minded determination my choice is no longer equivocal. I have been on my knees until now. I have chosen to rise up and genuflect the restoration of faith, inspired by the enlightenment of universal truth and the strength of purposeful action: Train, Endure, Achieve, Matter.These are empowering words indeed; a mantra for their imperative.

Even in infirmary, I am deigned to extol your sacrifice and promulgate the advocacy of participation and contribution and, ultimately, awareness. A Promethean effort to be sure. An effort sanctioned by the gratitude of us all, for whom you persevere. In that effort, know that you will always inspire generosity and the charitable nature in all those you enjoin ....Go Team!

"...nor does your happy vagabond expect any monetary reward for his efforts. He doesn't know the meaning of effort. No one can be paid to give of his joy, it's always freely given."

Henry Miller, 1961

No comments:

Post a Comment